With the Madman

God granted me a very significant victory last night, despite all my weakness - I'm tired of failing time and time again. I want to be truly spiritual and not always succomb to the flesh. Afterward, I tossed and turned restlessly all night - - I don't know if it was something in the air or what, but my dog was also restless and yelping in his sleep. But this morning was so sweet to wake up knowing that my God was victorious! In light of these things, the Psalm for today and Oswald Chambers said some meaningful things. May the Son be glorified in me.

"I will extol Thee, O LORD, for
Thou has lifted me up,
And hast not let my enemies
rejoice over me.
O LORD my God,
I cried to Thee for help, and
Thou didst heal me.
O LORD, Thou hast brought
up my soul from
Sheol;
Thou hast kept me alive,
that I should not go down
to the pit." Psalm 30:1-3

"To follow Jesus Christ today is to follow a madman according to the ideals of present day civilization. We have made a thousand and one necessities until our system of civilized life is as cast-iron, and then we apologize to the Lord for not following Him. "God can never mean that I have to follow Him at the cost of all I have?" But He does mean it. Instantly the clash is between our civilization and the call of Jesus Christ. Read the Sermon on the Mount - - "Seek first the kingdom of God" -- and apply it to modern life and you will find its statements are either those of a madman or of God Incarnate." (O. Chambers, 'Still Higher For His Highest')

mmmm....scones

Outside it is still soggy and cold and the skies are still gray...but me? No more. Yesterday I left a book I'm engrossed in at my grandparents' house and last night finally picked up The Spiritual Man again that I had put down quite a while ago - waiting for my experience to catch up to what I am reading. Well, as it always happens with this book, for several days I had a tugging desire to read it. So, last night despite my spiritually lackluster and dismal state - I began reading it...and it brought such clarity. And this morning I woke up to my puppy licking my face all over - sweet thing. I suppose I'll clean the house a bit today and continue taking advantage of the emptiness of it to spend time alone. I'm looking foward to tomorrow morning - Nathan will be leaving for Albequerque, so a few believing friends are coming over for communion and prayer. I think I'll pick up some ingredients and making some scones and such. mmmm....

What?

This day was so dreary...the weather, my insides, all blah. I don't feel like doing all the things I wish I felt like doing. I want to read and pray...but my spirit feels so limp - like not a single prayer would alight. I'm a selfish miserable wretch -acutely aware of my weakness today - and how desparate we are to draw from that newness of Life in Jesus at every moment. How quickly our own good intentions suck our natural energy and life - oh how I need to learn to draw from that Other Source at all times. Hope a good cup of hot tea and some time alone with Jesus will cure my cold soul. I miss Julie : (

Great Is Thy Faithfuless

Well, I applied for a job yesterday as a nurse's aid at Garden Estates, which used to be Grand Court - a retirement community that I worked at about 3 years ago. They remembered me and were very excited and it looked very promising that I would be offered a job, but when I told my dad he was a bit disappointed because he doesn't want me to work right now. He really wants me to devote my time and energy to caring for my grandparents which is a load off of my mother as well. I wouldn't really feel very good about getting a job for 3 months knowing I would be leaving in May for Lebanon and that for 2 weeks in between I would be caring for my grandmother after her knee surgery. So I think I will turn the job down. Perhaps another time.

God has given me great peace about life right now through something my sweet sister said when I spent the night in Dallas a few days ago. What she said was so simple - yet suddenly my mind full of twisted thoughts was flooded with light and understanding of the situation. I was really encouraged to hear such godly wisdom come from her - revealed a lot of understanding on the eternal perspective of this Life as we live it before God.

The peace of Christ is to reign in our hearts...where there is no peace, we do not go...we don't think about it - we don't allow our minds to play with the future and this possibility or that - but to live securely in the Now and the peace alotted in this day, this moment and be wholly confident in Him not the circumstance. Then when Tomorrow comes, we recognize that mercy that is new every morning. Indeed, Great is Thy faithfulness.

My Utmost

God granted me great peace in today's selection in "My Utmost For His Highest". What a reminder to keep my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith...and not all the daily stresses and questions of life that are pressing in on me from every direction.

"Look unto Me, and be ye saved." Isaiah 45:22
.... Narrow all your interests until the attitude of mind and heart and body is concentration on Jesus Christ. "Look unto Me."
Many of us have a mental conception of what a Christian should be, and the lives of the saints become a hindrance to our concentration on God. There is no salvation in this way, it is not simple enough. "Look unto Me" and - not "you will be saved," but "you are saved." The very thing we look for, we shall find if we will concentrate on Him. We get preoccupied and sulky with God, while all the time He is saying - "Look up and be saved." The difficulties and trials - the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, or to-morrow, all vanish when we look to God.
Rouse yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter if there are a hundred and one things that press, resolutely exclude them all and look to Him. "Look unto Me," and salvation is, the moment you look.

-Oswald Chambers - My Utmost For His Highest - Jan.22

I had a good peaceful day with Nathan as he accompanied me on my shopping for my grandparents and other miscellanious errands (which ended up taking 5 hours!). Now my aunt, uncle and 3 cousins are here for a couple days on their way back home to Mexico.

Movement and Direction

I know I could get into a train or a car and I will eventually get somewhere whether I pay close attention to where the vehicle is going or make sure we take all the right exits or not. I don't even have to know where I am going or when I'll arrive...I will eventually get there at some point. I know perfectly well that I could go to sleep because no amount of concentration or attention paid or not paid on my part will change a thing. Yet there I am, face pressed against the window staring at all the signs trying to interpret their meaning and wondering if we'll get to wherever on time!

Or, renting a movie. I mostly do this when I want to relax...just shut my brain off and stare at the glowing box. Now, if the plot gets intricate and complex I lose complete interest - but I can not take my eyes off the screen. Once again, I know very well that I could get up and go to the bathroom or go to sleep and miss 30 minutes of the movie and understand what is going on just as well. But no, I watch carefully - following from scene to scene to see what will finally happen.

Thus is Life. It goes on and we move whether we know what direction we are going or not. Understanding: That organ of our being that helps us to interpret Life - sometimes we are alotted it, sometimes we are not. Peace...ah peace - knowing that someone else is driving and has it all marked out and knows exactly where we're going. But regardless, we have to make decisions - we have to keep going from day to day. Tomorrow happens to us...but it always does. We can be frantic and confused and frustrated and defeated and can watch and guess...but we aren't driving. We will eventually get there - and whether we understand the plot or not...it does come to a point, an end, a defining place.

The issue is Trust - Faith: an organ of true sight - do I actually 'see'? Am I abandoned to Him? Then let it be.

This Weekend

Life is strange. I don't know how to interpret my circumstances at all right now. I don't even know what I am going to do from day to day - and yet I do have peace in the immensity of it all...not the glib kind of peace, but that deep abiding rest that lets me know that I am doing it right even though everyone seems to be doing laps around me. Thought I don't know what is going on, I do know the one who is ordering it all for me. My 2 weeks in Albequerque were very theraputic and I had pretty much the best time ever - knowing again the feeling of childhood carefreeness and not worrying about what I should be or how I ought to be or pray or live or think (!!!!!!) But that sense of liberty and boldness before God. I have been back in Tyler for about 3 days now and I am again inundated with all the questions of life. Julie just arrived here a few hours ago and it is the greatest joy to see her face again. We will leave for Dallas tomorrow morning and stay with my sister tomorrow night and drop her off at the airport Friday morning to go back to Germany until March. I will soon begin looking for a job to make money for my trip for Lebanon coming up in May. What is God doing? Somewhere does all this mess make sense? Make sense of me, Lord....

The Spiritual Man

"... a spiritual man is one who belongs to the spirit: the whole man is governed by the inner man: all the organs of his being are subject completely to it. His spirit is what stamps his life as unique - everything proceeds from his spirit, while he himself renders absolute allegiance to it. No word does he speak nor act does he perform according to himself; rather does he deny his natural power each time in order to draw power from the spirit. In a word, a spiritual man lives by the spirit." (Watchman Nee - The Spiritual Man Vol. II p34)

Where it all begins

Well, I have officially begun an online journal. I actually don't really know how this works quite yet. I am extremely exhausted....Rajeh has been barking at me since 6am. Anyway...let's see if how well I do with this thing.