Expostulate

There are too many plausible reasons why life is just not working out for me right now. I am tired, I am stressed, I am uncomfortable, I am confused. In relational conflict, or when my will is cross the up-teenth time in a day, I literally act as I have never acted before. I act as though I am a child unable to swim tossed into the sea. I throw this huge tantrum, I say many an unintelligable thing, and I flail my arms wildly. Well, maybe not so much the flailing part....but I was trying to find how I was going to make the "child at sea" comparison work. Don't worry, it fits perfectly in my mind. This is a serious battle I have with myself these days. I have no external freedom of my own...which is only exposing my lack of inner liberty. Let's not be abstract here. My life is as such: I have no car and am forever at the mercy of the plans of my driver. Sometimes I am so tired, yet I am forced to stay up because I can not get home. I can not eat the way I want...I eat last minute, unplanned, rushed meals at a coffee table with 2 annoying dogs begging at my plate. I can not take showers in the morning or blow-dry my hair or put on make up at my own home. I have to stumble in the dark and just get out the door with all my stuff to go to work and continue getting ready there. I am in love with the most stubborn and impossible man (possibly) ever born who is going through the most painfully difficult time of his life which seems never to end. I have no idea what to say or how to live with him most the time. I am planning a wedding to take place in 2 months amidst war and inner turmoil.

I imagine to the reader (if infact this person exists) this sounds like just a lot of complaining. How selfish when people are dying and losing everything. Who cares about your hair and make-up or table cloths and dinnerware at a time like this?? Not really me...but I would appreciate a little moment to pity myself here. It isn't like war and international crisis is more real than my fight with Abdallah over where we are buying home furnishings.... the latter is more easily resolved than the former (so you'd think). All this muddled meandering mess of a blog is really just to let out my anger toward myself and God. Come on! Let up on me here!!! My whole life I've been fighting. I fight everyone, everything - I'll tell you where the real perpetual strife is....right here inside us all. There is no unity to anything we think, feel or believe. I am so divided against my self I have never stood. Everything is fragmented for me...atomised, every detail is a whole new delemma for me to try to understand and apply effectually. Blah, I don't know what more to say, I hoped that I could say it clearly. But alas and anon....I am signing out for now.