Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Insecure Re-Inventions

Strange how when you are not living life with someone, only intermittently trying to connect through a breif phonecall - you assume their thoughts toward you are what you always secretly fear them becoming. You become defensive about something that has only been imagined- and because you know this to be true of yourself, you fear that they fear you in the same way! I find it just crazy how in silence our insecurity re-invents our friends and the ones we should trust most. For instance, I fear others viewing me as spiritually arrogant, judgemental, or indifferent toward them - and if I am not involved with them in life everyday, I read them through that mindset - and even look for signs that they actually feel this way. I think that is what could be termed as a "self-fulfilled prophecy". And so, if you are a friend that I am not in contact with everyday, whom by distance or circumstance I have become estranged, believe me now that my thoughts are nothing but charitable toward you : ) And as much as it depends on you, don't assume that I think one way or another toward you.

Well, the past few days we have been busy building a porch for my parents - okay, so I can't really help much, but I supervise Julie and Jed's work. It involved laying huge flagstones which I obviously cannot do. Today is the big packing up and getting everything absolutely sorted for the trip. We are going back to Austin tomorrow and will fly out on Saturday. I feel that sense of moving out of a place - you always leave little scraps and pieces of yourself behind. Of course I don't mean literal things, but so long as there are relational things without closure and the future yet to be opened, I will feel that I have forgotten something. It will all be fine I know.

Okay, enough today. I'll leave with a quote that struck me this morning.

"One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou didst keep the word of My patience." God takes the saints like a bow which He stretches and at a certain point the saint says, "I can't take any more," but God does not heed, He goes on stretching because He is aiming at His mark, not ours, and the patience of the saints is that they 'hang in' until God lets the arrow fly...Don't jump to conclusions too quickly; one or two things lie unsolved, and the biggest test of all is that God looks as if he were totally indifferent."
- O.Chambers - Still Higher -April 27-

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Amsterdam

I am currently in Tyler. Julie and I finally finished our CEDRA study and we have been drinking coffee and eating chocolate like crazy. There is so much to do before we leave...clothes to wash and things to sort and organize...I can't wait til it is all over and done with. I don't think it will feel real until I am sitting in the plane - but right now I just have to push through and get everything done. Hmm...well I've been sitting here just staring at the screen and my mind is blank...oh yeah, I have an 8hr layover in Holland (which is now....just the Netherlands? I'm confused about that..) and so I will be meeting up with a long lost friend, Piet. That will be interesting. Okay....later.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

gosh! I have nothing to write, I'm bored out of my mind, just feeling incredibly neurotic and weepy and I don't have anyone to email about it. I'm sitting here at CEDRA - watched movies that reminded me of things and people and I feel just emotional- but that kind that you have to put down because there is no appropriate outlet right now. I think we will play a game and I will read a bit and go to bed. Tomorrow I check out and will not spend another night here. 10 days until I fly out to Lebanon...doesn't feel real yet. Well...I'll write more useless things later.

Monday, April 18, 2005

All the World's A Stage

There you are
bathed in bright light,
All your friends have gone.
You've had a great fright
But all the world is a stage.

On your mark,
watch your step...go
All your life has led you here,

so...

And I am thinking to myself...could it be that all your life does lead to a certain point of decision that will torment every "natural" fiber in your being. Where you realize the stakes are as high as they can get and your finite loss will be greater than you feel you can take. For each person it would be different of course...and it isn't always so "dramatic" as this sounds - but still it is a point where your willingness to defer to the spirit...or your ability to wait and listen is tested by a choice where your spiritual faculties would most easily be clouded by your own feelings and reasons about the issue.

"...There lies the difficulty with the young believer. While he ought to wait before the Lord, denying his thought, feeling and desire, he often becomes impatient waiting for His revelation and substitutes his own dusguised will for that of God. As a consequence he falls under the accusation of his conscience. Granted that he genuinely has a heart to follow God's intent, he nonetheless unwittingly follows the thought of his mind because he lacks spiritual knowledge. Who can avoid mistakes if he walks without revelation?"(Nee, The Spiritual Man)

"Everything naturally belonging to believers must fo through the death of the cross. The mind may accept this as a theory, but it surely will oppose it as a practice"(same).

These are the things on my mind tonight. To deny one's self the things that are blatently worldly is one thing- but to deny yourself the one thing that you most desire and that you could explain logically and would be wholly justified in most everyone's eyes - for the one reason that your spirit has lately been in the business of defying your mind with all its reasons - - - this is the very thing our lives come down to as a believer. To have eternal life...to know God - no other way than by a pure unadulterated spirit which teaches us to deny ourselves in a world of logic and self-satisfaction. The Cross is beautiful in theory - but put us in such a situation and we rage (even if we are not so bold as to admit it...) Blessed are the pure of heart - for they will see God.

I know all these things are disjunct - I just wanted to write out the things in my head...seeing how I have no pen and paper... God has been good to us - wish I had this sense in my heart always. Love you all...

Saturday, April 16, 2005

I don't have much time to write...but before the impression of the past couple days leave me, I want to at least record the gist of it. I had a much needed breakthrough yesterday...there isn't really any explanation for it except to say that yesterday God gave me the ability to truly repent of some things and finally opened my heart to really receive from Him. I had gone to Starbucks with no agenda other than to be alone and clear my head and at least give my spirit a CHANCE to be spoken to... I had not anticipated what came after that. I described it as feeling like cool waves over my spirit - cleansing me and more or less restoring me to life in Jesus. I wept like a babe at Starbucks...I did most of it in the restroom as to not cause any alarm : ) I came away feel overwhelmed with God's goodness and mercy toward me. May this be only the beginning....

As of now I am the proud owner of 5 new lip balms...4 of which are new flavors to me. Oh the little things in life...

Also - Julie, Jed and I met my parents in Dallas for my sister's birthday and walked around the Arboretum (saw 10 brides!!!!) and then went out to eat at the best Thai restaurant I've ever been to (actually...just one of the best restaurants period). The others are in the livingroom chatting and drinking coffee...but I had other things on my mind to get out. More later.

Monday, April 11, 2005

CEDRA

I am in CEDRA tonight through Wednesday morning and I have nothing better to do than write in a dang blog that I'm pretty sure no one even reads anymore. I suppose I'm just writing for myself these days anyway. I brought headphones this time for the 4 hour session tomorrow where I am glued to a chair having my blood drawn in half-hour intervals while the 3 televisions are blaring the pornography they call movies. Perhaps it sounds "prude" - - but how can one keep their way pure in a world such as this? If we were even to turn our heads or plug our ears...I feel as though the air is so saturated with sex and seduction that is would be absorbed through our skin. After discussing this VERY thing with Charlie several days ago, I heard a message by Art Katz called "An Israelite in Whom There is No Guile" ...It ironically spoke of this very thing. How timely. Mostly however, I really do enjoy checking in here...It's a change of scenery without a cell phone where I can just keep to my self doing nothing but pondering life as much as I want and no one would bother me (with perhaps the exception of a strange Mexican boy here named Carlos who really loves the ladies - he has a childlike naivity and has yet to be inappropriate).

Well...what else. Oh yes, I found out that the lipbalm I have been looking everywhere for has been discontinued but I found some on Ebay and if I had not been bought out...I would have had to pay over $30. I breathed a sigh of relief and rather bought a smaller stash for cheaper. But if you only knew how good this stuff is....Candy Kisses...French Vanilla Kiss. Yum. So I think I'll bum around on ebay for a while. Later....

Sunday, April 10, 2005

New Lands

"One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a long time."
--C.S Lewis--

What is this place I am in right now? I have recently experienced a burst of clarity and resolve and spiritual stamina...yet I feel at the same time grief hovering as a "little black rain cloud" over my soul. It seems the road ahead of me has suddenly flashed almost as an apparition giving me a sense of what is to come, yet I still feel so much apprehension. The feeling is more of loss - letting go of something that everything in my natural self wants to reach out and save. Years have I waited for resolution - some revealing factor that would leave me without a trace of doubt. I hesitate to say anything more. I feel that only I would be able to read this cryptic post and know what I am saying. Forgive me if this is indeed too vague to even mildly understand.

Meanwhile, it is good to have Jed back. God is already releasing me from that choking need for approval from him. These things are so difficult for me...more-so than I have realized, but I cannot live in this unreality - being what I am not - and ommitting much of what I am. Lord help me.