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Irritation@Obee's

I don't have much time to write since I am sitting at work right now. The past couple days I have been in my bad mood. I recycle my feelings every couple months or so and I was due a burn-out-funk mood. During these times I become acutely sensitive to all the irritating qualities in people and experience a dramatic decrease in tolerance. People really lack a consciousness of themselves and their actions and the affect they have on others. As a rule, my customers are great - I know them all by name and by sandwich and even quite a lot of their life stories. My customers are in fact my friends, my sanity etc. It's those freakos that drive me mad. Actually I don't have the energy to write about this. Let's talk about something else irritating me. How about how this weather is sucking my soul dry! But as I always say, "it's not the heat, it's the humility". Just kidding. In general things are actually going quite splendidly -I just have a hard time writing about the good things without sounding trite however, ...I am happier than ever with my husband and I like him more and more each day...we are busy at the sandwich shop and I am taking much much much more time off and visiting my family and even trying to make friends. Yes, that's right...emily has friends.

I am now breaking my blogger silence in this internet oblivion. It has been over a year and no one reads it anymore...seeing how there is nothing to read. I was visiting a friend's blog and was inspired to begin again with my own. As one feels when picking up an old journal in attempt to begin recording again the happenings of one's life for fear or forgetting, I am at a loss...I don't know how to begin after all this time. Do I try to fill in the gaps or rather pick up at the present as if the past year never happened. Somehow, for me to not record my life through journaling (by pen or by keypad) causes me some sort of anxiety. I am afraid that I will not remember my life or who was I or how I got to this point. Anyway...my husband is interrupting me now and calling me to the other room. Forget it.

ranting

Many people today think the current state of politics is nothing more than an issue of a social and political pendulum that systematically swings to and fro every few decades. If that were the case, we could comfortably believe that somewhere within the disparities of humanity there exists a natural balance that will always give us an underlying sense of moral gravity. However, if this is not the case and we rather are blithely strolling down the unalterable path to complete and utter moral depravity that has so long been called by the name of all that is good and right, there is much to fear. This may be phrased dramatically, but I contend that the urgency of the subject deserves no lesser language than that which could awaken and expose. Too long have we idly stood by while our minds are being hijacked by what we lazily perceive as good ideologies!

I will be the first to admit that I despise politics. There’s only one thing that upsets me more, and that is people who think they actually understand politics. I do not care how intelligent a person is or how well-read – when the lies and egos are as twisted and dense as a cotton wool, how do we suppose that we are qualified as arbiter and judge of mere smoke-screen issues (i.e. abortion, death penalty, border control, gay-marriage, etc.) when they are obviously aimed at compartmentalizing truth which I hold to be a unified, inseparable entity. Truth alone cuts through the cotton wool and judges to the very heart of man. Truth cannot be a truism, it cannot be a fact – it cannot be stretched, distorted or used. Every part of truth must be the exact representation and contain the fullness of the whole of truth. Politicians will always polarize moral issues to gain leverage for their own agendas. I think looking into politics requires vigilance and diligence so as not to be lured by the purposeful appeal since we can not fully understand the purpose. If we neglect to do so, we will have debased ourselves to the station of a dumb brute that can be led around by a lump of meat in front of our noses.

I recently read an article by Matt Taibbi in the November edition of the Rolling Stones magazine. Normally I really do not care much for their articles – but I cannot help but notice how profoundly they expose the increasing moral depravity of our times. This particular article was about national legislature and the U.S. Congress of today. While vast atrocities were being enumerated, my mind began to draw connections to Hitler. I know, I am not the first person to say such a thing – but think about it! Every administration has blood on its head, but there is a different quality to this round. There is an unbelievable lack of accountability in the Whitehouse. The Military Commissions Act of 2006 (“colloquially known as the ‘torture bill’”) which is being rushed, gives the president the power to do monstrous things without fear of being questioned or punished in the future. The way has been paved for an authoritarian government. Do you recall that Germany was a democracy when Hitler passed a few laws at an opportune time so that he was legally appointed as dictator? This action doesn’t necessitate a coup. It’s legal, baby. One day parliament mysteriously burns down, and the next day they had a dictator!

Okay, I'm tired now, so I'm going to cut to the chase...I'm talking about the republican party. I'm sure most politicians are corrupt, but what this administration has accomplished is enough to make us all sweat if we just knew better. Perhaps I will finish this another day...I just needed to get it off my chest...

Expostulate

There are too many plausible reasons why life is just not working out for me right now. I am tired, I am stressed, I am uncomfortable, I am confused. In relational conflict, or when my will is cross the up-teenth time in a day, I literally act as I have never acted before. I act as though I am a child unable to swim tossed into the sea. I throw this huge tantrum, I say many an unintelligable thing, and I flail my arms wildly. Well, maybe not so much the flailing part....but I was trying to find how I was going to make the "child at sea" comparison work. Don't worry, it fits perfectly in my mind. This is a serious battle I have with myself these days. I have no external freedom of my own...which is only exposing my lack of inner liberty. Let's not be abstract here. My life is as such: I have no car and am forever at the mercy of the plans of my driver. Sometimes I am so tired, yet I am forced to stay up because I can not get home. I can not eat the way I want...I eat last minute, unplanned, rushed meals at a coffee table with 2 annoying dogs begging at my plate. I can not take showers in the morning or blow-dry my hair or put on make up at my own home. I have to stumble in the dark and just get out the door with all my stuff to go to work and continue getting ready there. I am in love with the most stubborn and impossible man (possibly) ever born who is going through the most painfully difficult time of his life which seems never to end. I have no idea what to say or how to live with him most the time. I am planning a wedding to take place in 2 months amidst war and inner turmoil.

I imagine to the reader (if infact this person exists) this sounds like just a lot of complaining. How selfish when people are dying and losing everything. Who cares about your hair and make-up or table cloths and dinnerware at a time like this?? Not really me...but I would appreciate a little moment to pity myself here. It isn't like war and international crisis is more real than my fight with Abdallah over where we are buying home furnishings.... the latter is more easily resolved than the former (so you'd think). All this muddled meandering mess of a blog is really just to let out my anger toward myself and God. Come on! Let up on me here!!! My whole life I've been fighting. I fight everyone, everything - I'll tell you where the real perpetual strife is....right here inside us all. There is no unity to anything we think, feel or believe. I am so divided against my self I have never stood. Everything is fragmented for me...atomised, every detail is a whole new delemma for me to try to understand and apply effectually. Blah, I don't know what more to say, I hoped that I could say it clearly. But alas and anon....I am signing out for now.

sugar daddy?

What a life...something enormously disturbing has been happening lately. I don't know why, but it seems that at least once a week and am approached in all earnestness by a considerably older man (40-70yrs) for a romantic relationship. Do I have a giant sign on my forehead reading "geriatric friendly" or something? God forbid that anyone under the age of 40 be attracted to me! So unnerving. What really pushed me over the edge was being approached by a man in his 70's the other night. He has been watching me and (ick!) flirting with me for the past 2 or 3 years - I have always tried to avoid him...but oh...the night before last he cornered me when I could not get away...asked if he could take me out for a drink...I just smiled and said "that's nice"- you know, hoping this was just playful joking- but no! he replied in a creepy, insecure flirtatious way "so is tha t a yes or a no?". UGH. He is an intelligent, wealthy man...still working....what does he want with someone almost 50 years younger? Okay....this is just plain ranting at this point - but I hope someone finds this humorous...oR DISTURBING like me.

Pastorpreneurs

I was reading an article in the December-January issue of The Economist titled "Jesus, CEO". From the title, you should see where this is heading. I just want to share a quote...

"Jesus picked up twelve men from the bottom ranks of business and forged them into an orgnisation that conquered the world...His parables were the most powerful advertisements of all time". -Bruce Barton, an adman turned evangelist and author of the 1925 bestseller, "The Man Nobody Knows".

"Let there be lightening" -The Economist

Good News

Not THE good news...just plain ole good news. I went to a supposed genius specialist today, a new friend of mine through Obee's and other customers. He wanted to see me about my back and joint problems. Well, he concluded that my adrenal system is shot which keeps my body from being able to fight inflammation. He looked at me and remarked that he could not believe that I am able to work and be friendly with this problem. He read me like a psychic and I didn't even have to tell him hardly anything. All the random, seemingly unrelated discomforts that I experience were suddenly threaded together and made perfect sense. He was very confident that within this year I should be nearly completely better. It seems too good to be true, but others have told me about these miraculous turnarounds his patients experience and that I am indeed in superb hands. I am so excited right now!

Jane Eyre

I really love Jane Eyre. What a great book! Why have i never read it before? Well my sister has started mailing me books when she finishes them....i rather like that. This is definately going to expose us for the nerds that we are...but we actually discuss them at length over the phone. This has become one of my favorite things - just talking to my sister each day about things which no one else in the world would likely engage with me in conversation.

What's New?

well...I am going to a holistic doctor on Thursday...pretty excited - he's an acupuncture, chiropractic herbologist. haha. I have been told by a VERY trustworthy reliable source and fellow co-worker of his that he is known for his huge success rate with hopeless cases.

Also, I just realised that I haven't had my hair cut since May.....that's about 8 months. I have been talking about making an appointment for about 6 months.

What else....that's all for now...I will write later.

Emails With Reggie

Hello, I am just dropping a note to say hello. Yesterday I actually had to wear a long sleeve t-shirt outside...it was distressing, but today we are back to wearing t-shirts and still being warm outside : ) so we're okay now. I think about you guys often...and though my prayers don't "feel'' like much, I do pray mercy and rest for you. Maybe it isnt about getting to that christian nirvana state while we're here...maybe it is about being wounded in the struggle until you learn to hide yourself in Him and find all you need in Him. At any rate...i'm still whining that things are hard...but trusting more boldly still : ) There is still a bit of a riff between Jed and I. I have been thinking lately just about how we respond when we finally realize that we really can't push any more and that these fad-spiritual-diets aren't working (because at the end of the day we still love our pleasures no matter how much we tell ourselves ''no''). Some people muster up more strength to give it another go, others get angry and start grappling for something self-justifying to get them sleeping at night...and then others cling to God and cry out for mercy believing that God gives grace to the humble. I have gone through all these approaches to find that only one leaves such a sweet savor in your soul. There is nothing more pleasant than the saint who has been humbled out of their self-righteousness only to FINALLY receive the unconquerable grace that is in Jesus...the kind that teaches you to deny ungodliness and to wait on God. I hope that experience and maturity...and of course the very love of God will take me there and sustain me as I go on in Him. Somedays I feel like such a failure...so confused at what it should look like to be a believer -and terrified sometimes. Other times I am unshakably confident that He is faithful and will see me through to completion. But what is that ringing in my ears ''I will not strive with you forever''...torture to my soul. Anyway, God help me, sometimes I am falling apart. Sorry for the journal-like email....sometimes I just need to talk to someone...


Much love to you and your family and the community in the one who keeps it all together,
Em


Dear Emily, it's actually a blessing to hear you talk like this. Welcome to the realities of the faith. You are working through these things towards a balance that will bring a measure of stability over time, yet not without those occasional upsets and afflictions that are no less a part of the Christian life as of all life. It's just that in the case of the Christian, there is a sovereign God working 'all' for a perfect good. I would even say, a perfectly tailored good in each individual believer's life. That though there is a common salvation, the Lord's intention and work in each individual believer is so necessarily unique and distinctive that each receive a stone that can only be read by that individual. This speaks to me of a uniquely distinct pilgrimage and formation in God that is distinctive to each one of God's dear children, His elect. It is eminently personal and distinctive. No one in all the history of souls will know and experience our common salvation in quite the same way, though, of course, there is also a certain same-ness. This is why the apostle could say that we are each to work out our "own" salvation, but with fear and trembling, BECAUSE (all the more because), we know it is God that is 'working', both to will and do of His good pleasure (and that good pleasure is distinctive to that child). I often say that perhaps the safest evidence that it is the Lord doing and willing is the presence of a God quickened fear and trembling. I don't have to tell you that to "work out" our salvation is world removed from "working for" that salvation, as some poor souls have read that passage, and even now quote it to me to remind me that our salvation is not a 'workless' proposition. I pity that naturalistic reading of scripture and pray that God will give them repentance to the acknowledgment of the truth, as God knows that in their sincerity, they oppose themselves. Sadly, I speak of some of our Hutterite brothers and sisters. Talk to you more soon, Reggie

Goin Home, I'm Goin Home

I got food poisoning the night before last. I have never been so sick in my life. I haven't eaten since then, and from my experience hovering over the toilet I would say you can subtract all I had eaten the day before. I am so weak and tired...can't wait to get to my momma and daddy. That's all for now.

In Working Order

I keep trying to put up a post just for the sake of it...I have neglected it for so long....but everytime I begin, I go blank and can not go on. Anyway...so here is my space filler. I don't feel so bad about it now. I'm still alive...and in working order. Perhaps there will be more later.

I am convinced that I have believed a lie. The gospel I have held fast to has not been good news at all. I believed in the gospel of my right arm. My right arm has failed me.

It's Been a While

It really has been a long while since I have written anything of a personal nature. I can only explain by saying that the past month or so has been one of the hardest times of my life. The smoke has yet to clear and as I trudge through the days, an occasional scent of sanity and hope passes over me...but too quick for me to breathe it deeply. Don't get me wrong, I can not doubt that this is purposeful for God...but all my notions of what it is to be a believer have been tried and crushed. As I pass through the fire, I weep to see the things I held as so good and righteous consumed in the flame as chaff..and myself barely escaping. I am asking what is true faith that amounts to anything with God? How much of what I have held as "faith" is actually something of my own human fabrication that absolutely can not keep and preserve my Life in God? More on this later...

Switchfoot's New Album

In 1991, when Rolling Stone interviewed Dylan on the occasion of his 50th birthday, he gave a curious response when the interviewer asked him if he was happy. He fell silent for a few moments and stared at his hands. 'You know,' he said, 'these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It's not happiness or unhappiness, it's either blessed or unblessed.' This record was written somewhere between the blessed and the unblessed, between the godly and the ungodly by a few young urban professionals from San Diego. These songs are dreams and questions, bleeding together, breathing in and out- always somewhere between life and death. And I feel this tension, this distance now more than ever, like a numbing ache... deep inside. The distance between the way things are and the way they could be, the distance between the shadow and the sun. And this is where we exist: within the paradox. Living out our lives: oxygen and carbon and hydrogen and so on... This record was the attempt to make something beautiful in filthy backstage dressing rooms everywhere, trying to sing something true with a broken heart. This record was written about things that I don't understand. And yes, there's more than a wink of irony in all of this: making music from our most intimate thoughts and selling these songs online for a dollar a pop. Singing an anthem every night about how "we were meant to live for so much more" and many times feeling like a failure; singing "I dare you to move"and feeling trapped. Both loving and hating all the fuss that the music has brought. Knowing that even Rock and Roll, perhaps the best job in the world will not make me happy (in the yuppie sense of the word). And yes, this American life is absurd! a strange paradox indeed... Perhaps no amount of money, sex, or power has ever satisfied us before, but maybe today will be different! Maybe this new purchase will make me happy! And the sun rises and sets once more- another day, another dollar. A carbonated beverage will help to chase your insecurities away. This new product will help to fill the meaningless void I feel inside. And so I drink the beverage, wear the clothes, and watch the war on TV. meaningless. meaning less. Do we hunt our ridiculous suburban dreams like the neighborhood cat? Have we quietly fallen in line with the advertisement? Are we driven by ego uncontrolled, our lives simply vain pursuits of meaningless ends? Do we attempt to validate our existence by materiel means, relational acquisitions, sexual conquests, fiscal achievement, and cultural prowess? It was another jewish man who said something like this a while back. "All is meaningless," Declares the teacher. "Meaningless, meaningless, Everything is meaningless" For me, there is a terrible, wonderful freedom in coming to terms with these un-happy, un-yuppie words. It's a strange consolation in our dizzy and breathless race for happiness to find that you will never outrun the horizon. It's an avalanche you can't escape. It's a fatal wound that you cannot heal. If you fall on this rock you will be broken, if it falls on you you will be crushed. You see, this album started with a blow between the eyes that I am still recovering from, that's really all I've got to offer these days. So in the half-light glow of radio shows, music videos, and greedy billboard charts I am aware of a darkness that is beyond me, I am coming to terms with my unbelief. No, I don't believe in rock and roll. No, I don't believe in the success that we've achieved. And no, I don't believe in me. In a free market world of the bought and sold I feel caught in between. I believe I've heard about a man who was exploited to sell everything from indulgences to the wars of men. And yet he offered only one bitter pill that was not easily marketed. Maybe that's what this record hopes to be: a simple bitter pill of truth that steps outside of our hamster wheel and looks up at the stars and beyond. Maybe Dylan was right when he said Rock and Roll isn't Rock and Roll anymore. I've met so many lonely, desperate, beautiful people over the past few years. Yeah, I've got a bitter pill to swallow, but it just might be true. Maybe our lives drift quietly by and we can't stop the current. Maybe this modern river leads to the sea of death, where no medicine can cure these ills. Perhaps our restless wanting is satisfied only outside of ourselves. It was another jewish man who said something like this, "If you seek to gain your soul you will lose it." I am on a journey that will one day come to final terms with these words.

One More Thing

Last night Jed and I went with the Russian couple to have dinner with Art and Inger. Art was asking the couple about how they came to the Lord and the husband was translating for his wife and also telling his own story in his slow, broken English. By the end, we were wiping our tears -because his life story was so compelling and awe-inspiring. He himself was so choked up he could no longer speak. How sweet to never lose that sense of wonder at the mercy of God toward us unto salvation. To see that sort of tenderness toward Christ and to barely be able to speak of ourselves as a "son" without it breaking us even in the speaking is a gift in itself. Forget all that macho, super Christian attitude - - show me a broken and contrite heart who knows the blessedness of gratefulness - THAT is what I long to attain to! O Lord may we plumb the depths of the Cross and know the richness that belongs to us in You. We dare not think we may know You from our own initiative - we are desperate and longing for You to give us the will and capacity to know you. Save us from our evil presumption - that lurking thought that the cause lies in us. The cause is in You alone. Bless the Lord O my soul!

Random Delight

This evening we were very privileged to have some missionaries from Brazil share with us about the Wycliff Bible translation missions around the world. I have heard many people from Wycliff speak, but this is the first time I have really been moved and have understood what they are doing. The man who spoke was so humble and so genuine -he obviously had a real understanding of the gospel and the sole power of the Holy Spirit to transform ANY human being. I was so refreshed and I think he was refreshed likewise to find (so randomly) a group of believers of a like mind.

It is strange to realize that a little over a year ago, this was the greatest fancy of my imagination - my whole life I dreamt of living with a remote tribe and learning some unknown language etc. I did not consciously change my thoughts on the issue - I am not aware when that lust for "Christian adventure" died - but it most certainly has. So there I was marveling at how a single change of perspective...a revelation or inner enlightenment transfigures one's whole mind! I am not at all saying that I became opposed to such missionary work - but that my fleshly desire to do some amazing thing to "wow them all" just fell away. Of course it still sounds good to me - but to be quite contented with the Lord in the daily grit is altogether new for me. I guess THAT is what wows me these days.

The Russians are Coming!

Well - I have officially heard the word "nebbish" used in conversation about 50 times this week...amazing.

Yesterday Jed and I took a trip to Minneapolis to pick up some Russians that will be attending the summer school. Their names are Oleg and Anya. My life is complete, I have officially met an Oleg.

Some very interesting things have been taking place in my life these days. Extreme irony - I am still wondering if they really happened. Unfortunately I can not disclose such information here - but my point is that if these things had happened a year ago, I would have flipped and become an immediate basketcase. Quite timely were the selections from Oswald Chambers and the Psalms of the past 2 days. That's all for right now.

This Morning

I was just processing this morning's prayer time and discussion and writing out the substance and what the Lord was saying to me in it all...and I just thought maybe you guys would benefit and enjoy the sharing of it.

This morning our prayer time turned into a powerful exposition on the lack and the necessity for the eyes of our hearts to be enlightened to the glorious riches that is His inheritance in the saints - - which is to say, what bounty there is in the elementary teachings of the gospel that we have overlooked in order to bite into "meatier" things which our bodies have not the matured ability to digest and distribute as sustenance to our spirits. We have become cynical, lackluster people who can not love eachother nor enjoy the grace offered to us because we have not adequately appropriated or even seen the reality of redemption, justification, sanctification or even the efficacy of the Blood. It was said that the result of overlooking the gospel is death and decay in our inner man.

*Here are bits and pieces that I took as notes as several of the saints had input:

- God is the prism through which we must see eachother.

-Hardness, vindictiveness and cynicism are the cruel outcomes of disappointed illusions - an idealism which is itself a deceptive form of humanism.

- The death of every fellowship and relationship is the ideal (seed of destruction) that we each bring into it.

- When you look at the underside of an embroidery, it is a jungle of thread, a tangled mess - but viewed from above, it is a masterpiece. It is all contingent on our "seeing".

-Death is always the wage of sin - even for believers to have no delight in prayer, scripture, or fellowship is a form of death - we need to receive His Life afresh in the place we have been subdued. To keep our heart requires ALL diligence, for from it flows all issues of life.

- If our work is done from the Rest of God, we can never experience "burn-out". He is our vigor and vitality - in Him there is no decay or loss.

-Nothing justifies being downcast - God has made every provision for life, so every bit of death is reprehensible - YET as for us, we must lift the downcast and strengthen feeble knees - it is doubtful that any are unaware of their faltering - they do not need condemnation, but a timely word for their flagging souls.

- Death diminishes one's ability to see any benefit in God

- We must always carry a contrition within because we know from what pit we have been dug and could easily fall in again but for His grace that keeps us. This affects our very tone with one another and the way we go about in our correction.

Thanks for sharing in this with me guys - love you and miss you!