Goin Home, I'm Goin Home

I got food poisoning the night before last. I have never been so sick in my life. I haven't eaten since then, and from my experience hovering over the toilet I would say you can subtract all I had eaten the day before. I am so weak and tired...can't wait to get to my momma and daddy. That's all for now.

In Working Order

I keep trying to put up a post just for the sake of it...I have neglected it for so long....but everytime I begin, I go blank and can not go on. Anyway...so here is my space filler. I don't feel so bad about it now. I'm still alive...and in working order. Perhaps there will be more later.

I am convinced that I have believed a lie. The gospel I have held fast to has not been good news at all. I believed in the gospel of my right arm. My right arm has failed me.

It's Been a While

It really has been a long while since I have written anything of a personal nature. I can only explain by saying that the past month or so has been one of the hardest times of my life. The smoke has yet to clear and as I trudge through the days, an occasional scent of sanity and hope passes over me...but too quick for me to breathe it deeply. Don't get me wrong, I can not doubt that this is purposeful for God...but all my notions of what it is to be a believer have been tried and crushed. As I pass through the fire, I weep to see the things I held as so good and righteous consumed in the flame as chaff..and myself barely escaping. I am asking what is true faith that amounts to anything with God? How much of what I have held as "faith" is actually something of my own human fabrication that absolutely can not keep and preserve my Life in God? More on this later...

Switchfoot's New Album

In 1991, when Rolling Stone interviewed Dylan on the occasion of his 50th birthday, he gave a curious response when the interviewer asked him if he was happy. He fell silent for a few moments and stared at his hands. 'You know,' he said, 'these are yuppie words, happiness and unhappiness. It's not happiness or unhappiness, it's either blessed or unblessed.' This record was written somewhere between the blessed and the unblessed, between the godly and the ungodly by a few young urban professionals from San Diego. These songs are dreams and questions, bleeding together, breathing in and out- always somewhere between life and death. And I feel this tension, this distance now more than ever, like a numbing ache... deep inside. The distance between the way things are and the way they could be, the distance between the shadow and the sun. And this is where we exist: within the paradox. Living out our lives: oxygen and carbon and hydrogen and so on... This record was the attempt to make something beautiful in filthy backstage dressing rooms everywhere, trying to sing something true with a broken heart. This record was written about things that I don't understand. And yes, there's more than a wink of irony in all of this: making music from our most intimate thoughts and selling these songs online for a dollar a pop. Singing an anthem every night about how "we were meant to live for so much more" and many times feeling like a failure; singing "I dare you to move"and feeling trapped. Both loving and hating all the fuss that the music has brought. Knowing that even Rock and Roll, perhaps the best job in the world will not make me happy (in the yuppie sense of the word). And yes, this American life is absurd! a strange paradox indeed... Perhaps no amount of money, sex, or power has ever satisfied us before, but maybe today will be different! Maybe this new purchase will make me happy! And the sun rises and sets once more- another day, another dollar. A carbonated beverage will help to chase your insecurities away. This new product will help to fill the meaningless void I feel inside. And so I drink the beverage, wear the clothes, and watch the war on TV. meaningless. meaning less. Do we hunt our ridiculous suburban dreams like the neighborhood cat? Have we quietly fallen in line with the advertisement? Are we driven by ego uncontrolled, our lives simply vain pursuits of meaningless ends? Do we attempt to validate our existence by materiel means, relational acquisitions, sexual conquests, fiscal achievement, and cultural prowess? It was another jewish man who said something like this a while back. "All is meaningless," Declares the teacher. "Meaningless, meaningless, Everything is meaningless" For me, there is a terrible, wonderful freedom in coming to terms with these un-happy, un-yuppie words. It's a strange consolation in our dizzy and breathless race for happiness to find that you will never outrun the horizon. It's an avalanche you can't escape. It's a fatal wound that you cannot heal. If you fall on this rock you will be broken, if it falls on you you will be crushed. You see, this album started with a blow between the eyes that I am still recovering from, that's really all I've got to offer these days. So in the half-light glow of radio shows, music videos, and greedy billboard charts I am aware of a darkness that is beyond me, I am coming to terms with my unbelief. No, I don't believe in rock and roll. No, I don't believe in the success that we've achieved. And no, I don't believe in me. In a free market world of the bought and sold I feel caught in between. I believe I've heard about a man who was exploited to sell everything from indulgences to the wars of men. And yet he offered only one bitter pill that was not easily marketed. Maybe that's what this record hopes to be: a simple bitter pill of truth that steps outside of our hamster wheel and looks up at the stars and beyond. Maybe Dylan was right when he said Rock and Roll isn't Rock and Roll anymore. I've met so many lonely, desperate, beautiful people over the past few years. Yeah, I've got a bitter pill to swallow, but it just might be true. Maybe our lives drift quietly by and we can't stop the current. Maybe this modern river leads to the sea of death, where no medicine can cure these ills. Perhaps our restless wanting is satisfied only outside of ourselves. It was another jewish man who said something like this, "If you seek to gain your soul you will lose it." I am on a journey that will one day come to final terms with these words.

One More Thing

Last night Jed and I went with the Russian couple to have dinner with Art and Inger. Art was asking the couple about how they came to the Lord and the husband was translating for his wife and also telling his own story in his slow, broken English. By the end, we were wiping our tears -because his life story was so compelling and awe-inspiring. He himself was so choked up he could no longer speak. How sweet to never lose that sense of wonder at the mercy of God toward us unto salvation. To see that sort of tenderness toward Christ and to barely be able to speak of ourselves as a "son" without it breaking us even in the speaking is a gift in itself. Forget all that macho, super Christian attitude - - show me a broken and contrite heart who knows the blessedness of gratefulness - THAT is what I long to attain to! O Lord may we plumb the depths of the Cross and know the richness that belongs to us in You. We dare not think we may know You from our own initiative - we are desperate and longing for You to give us the will and capacity to know you. Save us from our evil presumption - that lurking thought that the cause lies in us. The cause is in You alone. Bless the Lord O my soul!

Random Delight

This evening we were very privileged to have some missionaries from Brazil share with us about the Wycliff Bible translation missions around the world. I have heard many people from Wycliff speak, but this is the first time I have really been moved and have understood what they are doing. The man who spoke was so humble and so genuine -he obviously had a real understanding of the gospel and the sole power of the Holy Spirit to transform ANY human being. I was so refreshed and I think he was refreshed likewise to find (so randomly) a group of believers of a like mind.

It is strange to realize that a little over a year ago, this was the greatest fancy of my imagination - my whole life I dreamt of living with a remote tribe and learning some unknown language etc. I did not consciously change my thoughts on the issue - I am not aware when that lust for "Christian adventure" died - but it most certainly has. So there I was marveling at how a single change of perspective...a revelation or inner enlightenment transfigures one's whole mind! I am not at all saying that I became opposed to such missionary work - but that my fleshly desire to do some amazing thing to "wow them all" just fell away. Of course it still sounds good to me - but to be quite contented with the Lord in the daily grit is altogether new for me. I guess THAT is what wows me these days.

The Russians are Coming!

Well - I have officially heard the word "nebbish" used in conversation about 50 times this week...amazing.

Yesterday Jed and I took a trip to Minneapolis to pick up some Russians that will be attending the summer school. Their names are Oleg and Anya. My life is complete, I have officially met an Oleg.

Some very interesting things have been taking place in my life these days. Extreme irony - I am still wondering if they really happened. Unfortunately I can not disclose such information here - but my point is that if these things had happened a year ago, I would have flipped and become an immediate basketcase. Quite timely were the selections from Oswald Chambers and the Psalms of the past 2 days. That's all for right now.

This Morning

I was just processing this morning's prayer time and discussion and writing out the substance and what the Lord was saying to me in it all...and I just thought maybe you guys would benefit and enjoy the sharing of it.

This morning our prayer time turned into a powerful exposition on the lack and the necessity for the eyes of our hearts to be enlightened to the glorious riches that is His inheritance in the saints - - which is to say, what bounty there is in the elementary teachings of the gospel that we have overlooked in order to bite into "meatier" things which our bodies have not the matured ability to digest and distribute as sustenance to our spirits. We have become cynical, lackluster people who can not love eachother nor enjoy the grace offered to us because we have not adequately appropriated or even seen the reality of redemption, justification, sanctification or even the efficacy of the Blood. It was said that the result of overlooking the gospel is death and decay in our inner man.

*Here are bits and pieces that I took as notes as several of the saints had input:

- God is the prism through which we must see eachother.

-Hardness, vindictiveness and cynicism are the cruel outcomes of disappointed illusions - an idealism which is itself a deceptive form of humanism.

- The death of every fellowship and relationship is the ideal (seed of destruction) that we each bring into it.

- When you look at the underside of an embroidery, it is a jungle of thread, a tangled mess - but viewed from above, it is a masterpiece. It is all contingent on our "seeing".

-Death is always the wage of sin - even for believers to have no delight in prayer, scripture, or fellowship is a form of death - we need to receive His Life afresh in the place we have been subdued. To keep our heart requires ALL diligence, for from it flows all issues of life.

- If our work is done from the Rest of God, we can never experience "burn-out". He is our vigor and vitality - in Him there is no decay or loss.

-Nothing justifies being downcast - God has made every provision for life, so every bit of death is reprehensible - YET as for us, we must lift the downcast and strengthen feeble knees - it is doubtful that any are unaware of their faltering - they do not need condemnation, but a timely word for their flagging souls.

- Death diminishes one's ability to see any benefit in God

- We must always carry a contrition within because we know from what pit we have been dug and could easily fall in again but for His grace that keeps us. This affects our very tone with one another and the way we go about in our correction.

Thanks for sharing in this with me guys - love you and miss you!

Those Crazy Hutters...

Again, not much to talk about in "blog-form". I have just been spending most of my time being surrounded by Hutterites. Yesterday I talked for a long time with Jonie (Jerome's wife...some will remember them)- it's amazing how different our circumstances and conflictions with the world and yet how much the same. We both desire to leave the thing that has controlled our mode of being so long (our respective cultures) - but it is all the old story of the world...only in different forms. In there lies our predicament...but we are not to leave it and separate ourselves outwardly. The separation must come from within. When Christ sets us free we are free indeed and we need not fear any man or system's influence. I have really been amazed by the love and acceptance of these Hutterite folk...I know that they were brought up to consider us as "outsiders" - they were taught that they are the only saved ones because the rest are so worldly - - and yet they do not reject me because they disagree with my pants...they actually try to understand why I find them to be modest. Many times we just throw back our heads and laugh because of how crazy we think eachother are. But I tell you I love those crazy "plain clothed" people. They have taught me much. I have yet to see better mothers and wives than they. And you will not hear them talk of anything pertaining to God in any mechanical way...it is always with such tenderness and affection for the person of Jesus and the astonishment of so great a salvation. Their prayers are always marked with the sentiment of "Why Lord, did you see fit to save wretched me?". Anyway...just thoughts of the day.

I'm going to scream....

**sigh**

The Death of Guest...(as we knew him)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Guest

"In April 2005, he announced he would not be making anymore of his "mockumentaries" because he didn't find them funny anymore."

We must comfort one another...for this is indeed a sad day for us all.

Other Thoughts

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock - Isaiah 26:3,4

In the path of Your judgements, O LORD we wait for you; Your name and remembrance are the desire of our soul. My soul yearns for You in the night; my spirit within me earnestly seeks You. For when Your judgments are in the earth, the inhabitants of the world learn righteousness.
vs. 8,9

O LORD You will ordain peace for us; You have done for us all our works. v. 12

For thus said the LORD GOD, the Holy One of Israel. In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength. 30:15


"Strive to Enter in at the Straight Gate" (Oswald Chambers Journal)

"Cut it off." My heart is bleeding,
And my spirit's wrung with pain.
Yet I hear my Jesus pleading,
"Cut it off or all is vain."

So I've stopped my ears in terror
Lest self pity make me quail,
Lest at last I take the error
And God's purpose thwart and fail.

I am bowed to death in sadness,
For the pain is all too great,
But the dear Lord must find pleasure
In the way He maketh straight.


Taken from discussion in a morning's prayer meeting after praying for Nathan and others whom the Lord has placed in a vice of sorts.

The Lord allows a saint to remain in the strain of a situation or a circumstance from which one would desparately seek relief and release - for when at last His deliverance comes, it will be at the time when it will do the greatest injury to our Enemy and bring the greatest glory to His Name. Are we willing to remain and not seek release but rather ask Him to strengthen our backs and knees to bear up under it all? May God turn a deaf ear to all our whimpering and self-pity that His Name be made great. He knows how long to hold us in the fire - not so long that we would be destroyed, and not too short that we remain with impurities. We learn obedience through the things we suffer.

Thoughts on Love

God places such an absolute premium on Love that our overlooking of it must be regarded as fatal to the very life we have set our hopes on attaining to. We would much prefer to believe that our knowledge and zeal for deeper truths of the faith purify our souls and make us unfathomably spiritual - however, time and time again if we would only listen, the scriptures as well as life experience would have us corrected. The whole of the world's church both near and abroad has been divided against itself - becoming weak and powerless against sin and the world system. We have stacks of books to show what we know - and yet what has it every profited without love? We love to expose one another and reveal to all what penetrating spiritual insights we have into the human psyche - and for all our "spirituality" we have slandered our weak brother, stripped him and publicly exibited his nakedness (and had we eyes to see, our own as well). One slight difference in docterine causes within us enough suspicion assume every scandelous thing. But then it appears - this new command of Christ that we LOVE one another - not as the sinners do, who can naturally love in pleasant conditions. No, Christ demands the impossible. He taxes our human will and charity to the uttermost limit and we find we have not the means to pay up to such a requirement. Yet if we can not love our brothers who are born again by the same Spirit into the same Life, what hope is there for this world? He has made a provision in His own broken bleeding body that puchased for us a common newness of Life - that by Faith we may draw upon His inexhaustible resource of love, humility, patience, forebearance...holiness! - so as to never come up short. However, so long as we see only flesh and not Christ in eachother(Paul says, "I see no man") and likewise look to our own flesh to foot the bill - we will utterly fail. May we cry our for mercy on our hateful, slanderous souls that we may be one as They are one! And may we be intimately acquainted with that Love that covers rather than exposes a multitude of sins - to outdo one another in showing honor.

Col. 3:12-17

Minnesota...again

Those of you who were with my last summer here at BI will understand how I am about to explain myself. This place is so hard. Nothing has "happened"...but I realized my wounds have not closed up 100%. I am so glad to see (almost) everone and (almost) everyone has been very glad to see us. My room is now in the basement (no longer 209 : ( and well...i just HATE spiders. I hate mosquitos too...they have bitten me in strange places that I can't scratch in public. So Jed and I are going to be completely alone in the lodge for the next month after this one family leaves on Saturday. Jed has been able to pick up a few days welding in the shop - which is a two sided gift - Jed gets money and I get solitude that I have long been needing. Right now I don't feel well - sick at my tummy and a TERRIBLE headache. It may not actually be that terrible, but I never have headaches, so I think it's awful. It doesn't help that it is oddly very hot and humid here.

On the other hand - apart from all that complaining - - - man God is good to me. Being alone has been healing to my bones. It was very necessary that I have this time to really seek the Lord about my future - nothing has been revealed, but my time with God has still be sweet and He has made me more diligent these past couple months and hungry for His Word. You guys know how invigorating it is to your spirit when you literally crave the Bible and you read voraciously with understanding and concentration. I read two biographies in the past 2 weeks: Oswald Chambers - Abandoned to God & The Heavenly Man. I was so uplifted and "encouraged" is too weak of a word to use- - I HIGHLY suggest you read them. The Chambers bio is not well written as such - however the journal excerpts are incredible. You will be surprised at how similar we are too him in our spiritual walk. The other is about a Chinese man during the persecution of the underground church in China...so humble and sincere and full of simple wisdom.

Okay...I have talked too much. I must get going. Love you guys - I pray for each one of you. May the Lord keep us in Him united by one Spirit.

And Some of My Friends Are Funny Too...

Super Woman Warrior Stance

The FootHills

Well, I have been in Albuquerque for a few days now and it has been good thusfar. I am enjoying catching up with Nathan though things are naturally strained between separated friends. We went hiking at the foot hills yesterday (which is the cause of great soreness today) and swimming and things like that. I am much enjoying the Lord and He is sustaining me a great deal. May I always be helpless before Him and rely only on the strength of His arm.

I can not believe that a year ago tomorrow Jed and I left all for Minnesota, desparate for reality and with no idea of what lay ahead- with nothing but a promise from God (and a tube of chapstick : ) How much has happened since then! How much our ways and understanding have changed! I personally feel that this has been one of the hardest years of my life - many failures and much faltering - and still I know that my fellowship with the Lord is much deeper and sweeter than it has ever been. Thank You Lord that You scourge those that you receive! May we be broken of every self-confidence in order to trust wholly in You. You are good to us.

The Church: Our Sickly Body

"Bow before God in humiliation, and in that humiliation confess before Him the state of the whole Church. No words can tell the sad state of the Church of Christ on earth. Just think of the Christians around you. So little power, so little devotion or consecration to God, so little conception of the truth that a Christian is a man utterly surrendered to God's will! Of, we need to confess the sins of God's people around us, and to humble ourselves. We are members of that sickly body, and the sickliness of the body will hinder us, and break us down, unless we come to God and in confession separate ourselves from partnership with worldliness. What coldness there will be towards each other unless we give up ourselves to be entirely and wholly for God. " - - Andrew Murray (Absolute Surrender)

Simplicity of Pure Devotion

"And what do I find, then, as I look at Christ? We considered absolute surrender to God. That was the very root of Christ's life. He came as a man whom God had sent into the world, and as a man who had nothing to do but fulfill the will of God; and He came as a man who had nothing in Himself but who every day depended upon God and waited for God to teach Him, and to speak words through Him, and to show Him the works He had to do. "The Son can do nothing of Himself." He lived a life of absolute surrender to God. God's will, God's honor, God's kingdom - He lived and He died for them, and He did it, not under strain at certain times, throwing it off at other times to seek relaxation in something of the world and forgetting to hold communion with God, as many Christians do. Religion to them is a strain and a burden and a duty and it is so delightful just to relax a little and throw off the strain. Ah, no! God was Christ's joy, and the Fountain of living waters to Him, and it was His delight and His strength to live in God and for God. The will of God was His meat and refreshment and strength.

And God comes to all who say, 'My God, I have given the vow of absolute surrender; Thou knowest that though it was done in feebleness and in trembling, it was done in honesty and in uprightness. But, my God, what does it mean? How am I to live that life?' The Father points to the beloved Son, and He says, 'This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear Him, follow Him, live like Him. Let Christ be the law of your life.' " - - Andrew Murray (Absolute Surrender)

Salvation Belongs to the Lord

Well, I am in Dallas for the night - still en route to Albuquerque. We officially leave tomorrow with my sister and will be with Nate and Julie tomorrow evening. I am doing very well - just remaining on guard and aware always because there are so many things that threaten our communion with God. Sometimes I feel attacked from every side - and I know more than ever how vital it is that we abide in Him.

Jed and I have been talking to Inaam, Abdallah's sister, nearly every other day. The Lord is dealing heavily with her - praise God, Salvation truly belongs to the Lord.

PS) do you like the color? thought I'd try somethin new...hehe

Weakness

Sometimes I feel so stirred within that I feel I could take off running with all my might and never look back and at least make it to Bullard. There is something about a summer evening as the sun is setting and the scent of the grass and honeysuckles being so alive that sets you back 15 years (well...that depends on your age, for me it is 15 years). I don't remember being so sad about anything when I was 6, but I'm sure I had something like it. Anyway....for the first 30 seconds I thought I could go on and never stop...but anyway...I'm not 6 anymore.

I don't have anything good to write about. Truthfully, I am feeling so sad right now (sometimes you're too sad to think of more mature ways of saying you're sad) that I can hardly stand it. I'm glad to know it is not going to last the rest of my life, and incase that doesn't work out, someday this life will actually end. Yeah, it's true, we are not going to live this life forever : ) Jed and I are leaving by 7am in the morning to begin our trip to Albuquerque to visit Nate and Julie for a couple weeks. I will be home but a couple days before heading to Illinois (family reunion) and then (tentatively) to Minnesota for the remainder of the summer. Lord you know I am yours....I feel so weak right now...

Well, I just spent the weekend in Dallas with my sister and her husband. It was fun and I had a good time with everyone. I saw Madagascar....it's funny - but don't take any kids to see it. I went to Julie's brother's wedding and had a really interesting encounter with a hurting man...I am still thinking about it....

I had been planning on...and getting really excited about going to the Overton Bluegrass Festival this weekend - I went a few years ago with Josh and LOVED it...but my plans were thwarted by the traveling schedule. It seems I will be doing some work for Brooke's parents this week and then Jed has some business to take care of in Austin - then we will go to Dallas and from Dallas to Albuquerque and possibly from there to Minnesota for the remainder of the summer. Jed is going to help a friend (Reggie Kelly for those who know him) build a house and earn some money. I am actually still considering before the Lord whether I am to accompany him or not - but for the moment it seems that I likely will.

Once again I say, only pure hearted adherence to Jesus can uphold a life of uncertainty in this world. I trust that He is accomplishing His will in me. While I can say boldly that I do seek God's will and not my own...my will is still glancing always to its own pleasure - I hope you understand when I say I seek needily to "experiencially" know the world as crucified unto me and I unto the world. May the Lord be with your spirit.

Did you know..?

That on my sister's wall in her classroom, these are actually "essential rules". I am bored at my sister's school in Dallas...so here are my finds.

1) Follow the specific classroom protocols.
2) In a hotel room, leave a tip for the hotel workers who clean your room.
3) Do not bring smelly chips into the school building.

Wow...but really, don't you remember Funyuns?

4 Eyes

Well, it finally happened. I officially wear glasses. Okay, so it's not all that bad - they are just for reading -but I must admit that I was pretty bummed to lose my title of having perfect vision. Apparently I am vertically imbalanced. I knew I was imbalanced...but I didn't know it was vertical. But I went for an exam because I always thought my books had typos...and therefore thought maybe I was going crazy (because of course there wasn't anything wrong with my vision) but alas...my eyes were making the words stack up on top of eachother.

Many things are in my head right now...something inside is still saying, "Surely there is more..." and I know that there is...but there aren't too many people that I see that have anything I desire. I have been reading some biographies lately...and I am amazed to see how normal Oswald Chambers and Watchman Nee were. They asked the same questions and had the same problems as I have. Watchman Nee's biography is particularly moving...that man knew what it was to be crucified to the world and the world unto him...and what it was to bear in his body the death of Jesus. I can't write any more right now...I am tired and can not possibly do this subject matter any justice. Til soon.

Don Something er Other

I just had about an hour long conversation with the author of the book I'm reading. Okay, so he wasn't actually there, but - just the same. We argued mostly and he even won most of the time - but I don't think it was because he was right, more because his way sounded more logical and mine in the moment seemed rediculous. Yeah, I guess the fact that I am writing on a blog about a fake conversation with Don Something is rediculous too. I suppose it didn't even have to be Don, I very well could have been arguing with myself (okay shutup...I know that IS what I was doing). So anyway - my main problem with him was that his book was too down to earth, I loved it because I am so much like him, and I hated it because I am so much like him. He seemed to write in such a casual and comic way as to glorify his imperfections. I heard myself saying, "Hey! me too!" alot...which made me mad because I knew that was probably what he wanted me to do. Well I'm going to think about this more before I talk about it. Why I began writing about Don is beyond me.

Last night I listened to a message by David Wilkinson....or Wilkerson called A Call To Anguish. I have never heard someone speak with so much pain in their voice as though their gut was being wrenched by their own words. For the first time in a long time, I felt that this public display of emotion was very pure...and this man desires holiness in the Church more than I have learned to yet. I felt like I had been set on fire...my cheeks felt warm and I couldn't wait to get to my room and pray. The past 2 nights with God have been strangely deep and real - it isn't every day that you cry out from the bottom of your soul and feel wholly honest that you really do want to be found pleasing...and so full of sorrow that you find your heart so fascinated by other things. How good God is to us...

http://www.sermonindex.net/modules/mydownloads/singlefile.php?lid=3843

okay, now he looks just plain scary... 

Jed with his Arabic tutor, Inaam 

Jed with Samira...beautiful beautiful woman 

View of Sunset over Mediterranean from our apartment...did I spell that right? And why the heck did I capitalize so randomly? 

Old Faithful 

The 2 Sisters I Love 

Me and my Arabic tutor, Sarah 

baby birdies.... 

Raw Sheep Liver 

from the balcony of our apartment  

mmm...Turkish coffee 

I just got one question for you...Can you deal with THIS?!?! 

So...What Now?

Well, I returned from Lebanon a couple days ago...we were awake from 7am Thursday morning (Lebanon time) until 6am Saturday morning (Lebanon time). That is about 47 hours. Imagine. I actually feel great physically, not as jetlagged as I anticipated. I can't really feel that I've been to another country even. Needless to say, I'm just not sure how I am to re-adjust. I really just don't know how I should go about describing my time in Lebanon especially in blog-form. The time was fruitful, definately ordered by God - and though I am not sure what all transpired beneath the guise, however I am fully confident that God has mercy on all of our shortcomings and has glorified Himself. We spent most of our time with Abdallah's family in a little villiage called Gharife up in the mountains. It was beautiful beyond comparison - and now I know why Soloman always spoke of the beauty and fragrance of Lebanon. Jed and I managed to pick up the language supernaturally fast - and began reading and writing in Arabic within 1 week. God gave us favor with the family and we found a deep bond particularly with 2 of his sisters. I also met the most important political figure in Lebanon, Walid Jumblatt because Abdallah's brother-in-law is friends with him through his involvment with the PSP (Progressive Socialist Party).

Okay, I am realizing that there is literally no way that I will be able to touch the surface of my time in Lebanon. I will now proceed to just tell you what strange things I ate while there. Okay, I refused to eat the raw sheep liver because it was too bloody (though Jed and Julie both tried it), but I did eat raw beef, raw goat, and tiny baby birds (just snap off the head and feet...the bones added a crunchy texture...yum).

I am at a very strange place inwardly. I feel so torn inside about several things. I am my own worst enemy right now - and that "voice of (purported) wisdom" is telling me to do things that my conscience won't allow. I just have to take it day by day...everyday I make it without making that phone call, or writing that email is a sigh of relief on my pillow. I wonder if it will ever get easier. Well now I've done gone and made myself cry...I am just going to leave it at that.

Insecure Re-Inventions

Strange how when you are not living life with someone, only intermittently trying to connect through a breif phonecall - you assume their thoughts toward you are what you always secretly fear them becoming. You become defensive about something that has only been imagined- and because you know this to be true of yourself, you fear that they fear you in the same way! I find it just crazy how in silence our insecurity re-invents our friends and the ones we should trust most. For instance, I fear others viewing me as spiritually arrogant, judgemental, or indifferent toward them - and if I am not involved with them in life everyday, I read them through that mindset - and even look for signs that they actually feel this way. I think that is what could be termed as a "self-fulfilled prophecy". And so, if you are a friend that I am not in contact with everyday, whom by distance or circumstance I have become estranged, believe me now that my thoughts are nothing but charitable toward you : ) And as much as it depends on you, don't assume that I think one way or another toward you.

Well, the past few days we have been busy building a porch for my parents - okay, so I can't really help much, but I supervise Julie and Jed's work. It involved laying huge flagstones which I obviously cannot do. Today is the big packing up and getting everything absolutely sorted for the trip. We are going back to Austin tomorrow and will fly out on Saturday. I feel that sense of moving out of a place - you always leave little scraps and pieces of yourself behind. Of course I don't mean literal things, but so long as there are relational things without closure and the future yet to be opened, I will feel that I have forgotten something. It will all be fine I know.

Okay, enough today. I'll leave with a quote that struck me this morning.

"One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. "Because thou didst keep the word of My patience." God takes the saints like a bow which He stretches and at a certain point the saint says, "I can't take any more," but God does not heed, He goes on stretching because He is aiming at His mark, not ours, and the patience of the saints is that they 'hang in' until God lets the arrow fly...Don't jump to conclusions too quickly; one or two things lie unsolved, and the biggest test of all is that God looks as if he were totally indifferent."
- O.Chambers - Still Higher -April 27-

Amsterdam

I am currently in Tyler. Julie and I finally finished our CEDRA study and we have been drinking coffee and eating chocolate like crazy. There is so much to do before we leave...clothes to wash and things to sort and organize...I can't wait til it is all over and done with. I don't think it will feel real until I am sitting in the plane - but right now I just have to push through and get everything done. Hmm...well I've been sitting here just staring at the screen and my mind is blank...oh yeah, I have an 8hr layover in Holland (which is now....just the Netherlands? I'm confused about that..) and so I will be meeting up with a long lost friend, Piet. That will be interesting. Okay....later.

gosh! I have nothing to write, I'm bored out of my mind, just feeling incredibly neurotic and weepy and I don't have anyone to email about it. I'm sitting here at CEDRA - watched movies that reminded me of things and people and I feel just emotional- but that kind that you have to put down because there is no appropriate outlet right now. I think we will play a game and I will read a bit and go to bed. Tomorrow I check out and will not spend another night here. 10 days until I fly out to Lebanon...doesn't feel real yet. Well...I'll write more useless things later.

All the World's A Stage

There you are
bathed in bright light,
All your friends have gone.
You've had a great fright
But all the world is a stage.

On your mark,
watch your step...go
All your life has led you here,
so...

And I am thinking to myself...could it be that all your life does lead to a certain point of decision that will torment every "natural" fiber in your being. Where you realize the stakes are as high as they can get and your finite loss will be greater than you feel you can take. For each person it would be different of course...and it isn't always so "dramatic" as this sounds - but still it is a point where your willingness to defer to the spirit...or your ability to wait and listen is tested by a choice where your spiritual faculties would most easily be clouded by your own feelings and reasons about the issue.

"...There lies the difficulty with the young believer. While he ought to wait before the Lord, denying his thought, feeling and desire, he often becomes impatient waiting for His revelation and substitutes his own dusguised will for that of God. As a consequence he falls under the accusation of his conscience. Granted that he genuinely has a heart to follow God's intent, he nonetheless unwittingly follows the thought of his mind because he lacks spiritual knowledge. Who can avoid mistakes if he walks without revelation?"(Nee, The Spiritual Man)

"Everything naturally belonging to believers must fo through the death of the cross. The mind may accept this as a theory, but it surely will oppose it as a practice"(same).

These are the things on my mind tonight. To deny one's self the things that are blatently worldly is one thing- but to deny yourself the one thing that you most desire and that you could explain logically and would be wholly justified in most everyone's eyes - for the one reason that your spirit has lately been in the business of defying your mind with all its reasons - - - this is the very thing our lives come down to as a believer. To have eternal life...to know God - no other way than by a pure unadulterated spirit which teaches us to deny ourselves in a world of logic and self-satisfaction. The Cross is beautiful in theory - but put us in such a situation and we rage (even if we are not so bold as to admit it...) Blessed are the pure of heart - for they will see God.

I know all these things are disjunct - I just wanted to write out the things in my head...seeing how I have no pen and paper... God has been good to us - wish I had this sense in my heart always. Love you all...

I don't have much time to write...but before the impression of the past couple days leave me, I want to at least record the gist of it. I had a much needed breakthrough yesterday...there isn't really any explanation for it except to say that yesterday God gave me the ability to truly repent of some things and finally opened my heart to really receive from Him. I had gone to Starbucks with no agenda other than to be alone and clear my head and at least give my spirit a CHANCE to be spoken to... I had not anticipated what came after that. I described it as feeling like cool waves over my spirit - cleansing me and more or less restoring me to life in Jesus. I wept like a babe at Starbucks...I did most of it in the restroom as to not cause any alarm : ) I came away feel overwhelmed with God's goodness and mercy toward me. May this be only the beginning....

As of now I am the proud owner of 5 new lip balms...4 of which are new flavors to me. Oh the little things in life...

Also - Julie, Jed and I met my parents in Dallas for my sister's birthday and walked around the Arboretum (saw 10 brides!!!!) and then went out to eat at the best Thai restaurant I've ever been to (actually...just one of the best restaurants period). The others are in the livingroom chatting and drinking coffee...but I had other things on my mind to get out. More later.

CEDRA

I am in CEDRA tonight through Wednesday morning and I have nothing better to do than write in a dang blog that I'm pretty sure no one even reads anymore. I suppose I'm just writing for myself these days anyway. I brought headphones this time for the 4 hour session tomorrow where I am glued to a chair having my blood drawn in half-hour intervals while the 3 televisions are blaring the pornography they call movies. Perhaps it sounds "prude" - - but how can one keep their way pure in a world such as this? If we were even to turn our heads or plug our ears...I feel as though the air is so saturated with sex and seduction that is would be absorbed through our skin. After discussing this VERY thing with Charlie several days ago, I heard a message by Art Katz called "An Israelite in Whom There is No Guile" ...It ironically spoke of this very thing. How timely. Mostly however, I really do enjoy checking in here...It's a change of scenery without a cell phone where I can just keep to my self doing nothing but pondering life as much as I want and no one would bother me (with perhaps the exception of a strange Mexican boy here named Carlos who really loves the ladies - he has a childlike naivity and has yet to be inappropriate).

Well...what else. Oh yes, I found out that the lipbalm I have been looking everywhere for has been discontinued but I found some on Ebay and if I had not been bought out...I would have had to pay over $30. I breathed a sigh of relief and rather bought a smaller stash for cheaper. But if you only knew how good this stuff is....Candy Kisses...French Vanilla Kiss. Yum. So I think I'll bum around on ebay for a while. Later....

New Lands

"One doesn’t discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a long time."
--C.S Lewis--

What is this place I am in right now? I have recently experienced a burst of clarity and resolve and spiritual stamina...yet I feel at the same time grief hovering as a "little black rain cloud" over my soul. It seems the road ahead of me has suddenly flashed almost as an apparition giving me a sense of what is to come, yet I still feel so much apprehension. The feeling is more of loss - letting go of something that everything in my natural self wants to reach out and save. Years have I waited for resolution - some revealing factor that would leave me without a trace of doubt. I hesitate to say anything more. I feel that only I would be able to read this cryptic post and know what I am saying. Forgive me if this is indeed too vague to even mildly understand.

Meanwhile, it is good to have Jed back. God is already releasing me from that choking need for approval from him. These things are so difficult for me...more-so than I have realized, but I cannot live in this unreality - being what I am not - and ommitting much of what I am. Lord help me.

Leavin' Time Again

Today is a busy day of packing and organizing for a month in Austin followed by a month in Lebanon. It still seems so far off, so it is difficult to get moving with these things. Really I'm just in a haze or something right now...

Yesterday was a bit of a downer. I talked to two old friends of mine and as we talked, their misery and emptiness just packed my heart with lead. I was sad to hear how they have settled for such a meager living - one being settled for church nothings and perpetual lack and the other for cynicism and bitterness. It's difficult to know what to say...or think. I just kept thinking, "Life and life abundantly..." and hoped that that means more than a Lexus and a big house- not that I have those things either... At any rate, I'll just wait - there's not another choice for me. Still I know that even in the confusion and uncertainty, my hope and my confidence is in the fact that all of this is at His hand...He has divinely ordered this for me for my good...I can deal with that : )

Last night Julie and I went to Bubba's with my parents, Nathan's parents and Josh who stopped in for dinner on his way from Waco to Overton. It was purdy fun - good to see the Stimsons and Josh, however brief our time was.

I'm still loving being with Julie - things are difficult for us both at the moment, but I'm glad we are together in this.

Til later...this is Memma-Brooke signing off.

Dallas

Well, I don't have anything terribly interesting to talk about, but I felt it was time to post something. I drove to Dallas all by myself on Thursday (you should note that this was my first trip to make out of town alone...this is indeed a weekend of firsts!). I have been spending a lot of time just hanging out with my sister, Sarah. We got all dressed up and girly to go out to eat with Charlie at Fogo de Chao - which was fun in itself. The food was sooooooo good. Better than I know how to say. And the Creme Brulee was....unbelievable. It was quite an experience. Then we went and had coffee at La Madeleine and talked. The next morning, we met up with our friend, Karin and a friend of Charlie's, Ramsey at a Lebanese place for breakfast. I have never before had the combined taste of cheese, sweet-cakey stuff, and rosewater syrup inside of pita bread - - but it was incredibly good along with the meat and cheese pies. I'm already feeling quite silly that a very large portion of what I have said thusfar has been about food. I suppose food is a big part of the enjoyment of life...since we do eat several times a day...and these were unique delights. I must say though, that all of these pleasures will be left in the dust of Julie's plane when it lands this evening at 7:26pm. I will have more to write later...hopefully of a more interesting nature. Until then...

The legend of coffee begins with a goatherd and his dancing goat.

 

Law of the Spirit

You know when you read something that speaks so deeply to your circumstance - right to the crux of everything you are inwardly fighting? It's as if finally that aching thing has finally found expression - and the first thing you think is how badly you want the closest people to you to read that very thing - you want to point at it and say, "See!? That's me! This is what I have so long wanted to explain to you!" Well...yes, it is true, I have a piece of such literature for you today. Hundreds of years ago, Luther wrote a preface to Romans - which I have had in my posession for a while now and am only now getting around to reading. Jed gave it to me after telling me how good it was...and I will say I do indeed concur. I am giving you a couple samples of things he said that struck me - and then giving you a website whereby you may read it at your own leisure online.

"...But to fulfill the law means to do its work eagerly, lovingly and freely, without the constraint of the law; it means to live well and in a manner pleasing to God, as though there were no law or punishment. It is the Holy Spirit, however, who puts such eagerness of unconstained love into the heart... But the Spirit is given only in, with, and through faith in Jesus Christ...

In chapter 6, St. Paul takes up the special work of faith, the struggle which the spirit wages against the flesh to kill off those sins and desires that remain after a person has been made just. He teaches us that faith doesn't so free us from sin that we can be idle, lazy and self-assured, as though there were no more sin in us. Sin is there, but, because of faith that struggles against it, God does not reckon sin as deserving damnation. Therefore we have in our own selves a lifetime of work cut out for us; we have to tame our body, kill its lusts, force its members to obey the spirit and not the lusts. We must do this so that we may conform to the death and resurrection of Christ and complete our Baptism, which signifies a death to sin and a new life of grace. Our aim is to be completely clean from sin and then to rise bodily with Christ and live forever...

Because our flesh has not been killed, we are still sinners, but because we believe in Christ and have the beginnings of the Spirit, God so shows us His favor and mercy, that He neither notices nor judges such sins. Rather He deals with us according to our belief in Christ until sin is killed...Neither nature nor free will nor our own powers can bring about such justice, for even as no one can give himself faith, so too he cannot remove unbelief...Therefore everything which takes place outside faith or in unbelief is a lie, hypocrisy and sin (Rom 14) no matter how smoothly is goes."

I really hope you will print out the text and really cogitate over it. I think we are really touching on something that goes deeper than we even know...into the whole issue of sin and redemption - how one is to really satisfy the demands that we sense being made upon us - and how impossible it yet feels - how insurmountable our sin and flesh - what exactly faith accomplishes in us...etc.

Tonight I am thinking how incredibly grateful I am that I have such friends as you. God has been better to us than we even know. Lord Come!

http://www.ccel.org/l/luther/romans/pref_romans.html

Fortified Wall of Bronze?

...Who keeps us in life, and does not allow our feet to slip.
For Thou hast tried us, O God;
Thou hast refined us as silver is refined.
Thou didst bring us into the net;
Thou didst lay an oppressive burden upon our loins.
Thou didst make men ride over our heads;
We went through fire and through water;
Yet Thou didst (You will) bring us out into a place of abundance...
-Psalm 66:9-12-

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. And after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you...To Him be dominion forever and ever.
-1Peter 5:8-

Thy words were found and I ate them,
And Thy words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart;
For I have been called by Thy name,
O Lord God of hosts.
I did not sit in the circle of merrymakers, Nor did I exult.
Because of Thy hand upon me
I sat alone.For Thou didst fill me with indignation.
Why has my pain (my sin! my flesh!) been perpetual?
And my wound incurable, refusing to be healed?
Wilt Thou indeed be to me like a deceptive stream
With water that is unreliable?

Therefore, thus says the Lord,
"If you return, then I will restore you
Before Me you will stand
And if you extract the precious from the worthless,
You will become My spokesman.
They for their part may turn to you,
But as for you, you must not turn to them.
Then I will make you to this people a fortified wall of bronze
And though they fight against you,
They will not prevail over you;
For I am with you to save you
And deliver you," declares the Lord
"So I will deliver you from the hand of the wicked
And I will redeem you from the grasp of the violent."

-Jeremiah 15:15-21-

How incurable my flesh, Lord. Your Word seems to have failed...give me understanding - do not let the enemy rejoice over me! Establish me in righteousness for Your Name's sake. Make me a living reality of Redemption. How weak and feeble my prayers are...especially when I feel crushed by my own failure. Cause me to understand that my confidence is in YOUR righteousness...not my ability to keep all the law perfectly. Who dares to come before you based on anything but YOUR blood? Save us Lord...

A Dolt, or Adult? You Decide...

I have actually looked forward to writing this evening. This really gives me a chance to exhale the day...to think and process. Well, something very significant happened yesterday-- I became an adult. I know it seems silly - but allow me to be very silly for a minute. My grandpa had an anxiety attack early in the morning and called me to tell me his head felt crazy and he needed me to come be with him. I figured he was stressed because my grandmother (who was in the hospital) is the one who fills his pill box each week, and the supply had ended and he needed refills on certain medications. So I calmed him down, fed him (he thought himself helpless) filled his med-box and went to the pharmacy to get his perscriptions refilled. As I was pulling out of the pharmacy, a bizarre sense came over me and almost pulled over. My mouth was open and I had that expression of shock for a few seconds and then exclaimed outloud, "I'm an adult!" My mother laughed at me when I told her the news, and said "I thought you've been that for 3 years!" - which is rediculous...on a person's 18th birthday, no one waves a magic wand that makes them suddenly an adult. However, when I consciously realized that I am responsible for another human being...it happened. Something irreversible took place in me. Crazy I may be...

Further breaking news: My grandmother was released from the hospital today and now I don't have to drive back and forth between the house and the hospital everyday to take care of her and my grandfather. Splendid! But...I have to give her injections in her stomach twice a day..!!!

Now on a more personal note. It never ceases to amaze me how pointed and applicable the daily selections from Oswald Chambers are for me. I have really been fighting doubt this week - not because God is not good, but because I am so bad. I become so frustrated and horrified at the thought that Jesus and Redemption aren't all that I thought them to be. I have been feeling hopelessly ignorant and irredeemable. Just the past few days I have expressed this fear and frustration with a few saints and lo and behold....today's "My Utmost..." hit it dead on. Here's a piece of the text that will give you an idea,

"The greatest fear a man has is not that he will be damned, but that Jesus Christ will be worsted, that the things He stood for -- love and justive and forgiveness and kindness among men-- will not win out in the end; the things He stands for look like will-o'-the-wisps. Then comes the call to spiritual tenacity,, not to hang on and do nothing, but to work deliberately on the certainty that God is not going to be worsted."

And here's the best part:

"If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified, There is nothing noble the human mind has ever hoped for or freamed of that will not be fulfilled. One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God. 'Because thou hast kept the word of my patience.' Remain spiritually tenacious."

Guys, take heart...God is good and He is justified in all he says and does. His word is sure and our calling is not 'for naught'. "Tenacity is the supreme effort of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered." This is true even when it comes to our own victory (or defeat) experienced. Those who wait on Him will NEVER be ashamed.

"How's it hangin' Grandma?"

Some of you will recognize this title from the splendid "A Mighty Wind", it was inspired by my experience in the hospital this week with my grandmother (my title...not the movie). It has been a busy week. There hasn't been much time to even think - and the time that I do have has not been producing worthwhile thoughts...so this turns out for my good. Still lacking the resolve that I (left to my own wisdom) would desire, I remain a bit at odds with myself and the blurry world around me. So here I am again in my unproductive reverie. I confess that I knew from the beginning that the title of my blog would be more ironic than descriptive of the content following...so let's not be disappointed!

I feel weariness physically and have expelled a few tears of fatigue. But otherwise I am fine. Praise is much more becoming than all this complaining! To serve my octogenarian grandmother has served my spirit well also. I find comfort knowing that none of this strength or devotion is originating from myself...and this makes me feel safe somehow. I am living meagerly these days...but the Lord lifts my spirit just enough that I have not lost any sense of hope. I don't know how to talk to people lately...even the ones closest to me. I hate to say the same depressing things repeatedly, therefore I would rather shut up (when I honestly don't feel too terrible...but not well enough to be pleasant!) If you are reading this, you are one of my closest friends and understand me a bit by now anyhow.

Well that's enough. I miss Julie - and knowing that I will see her face again in a few weeks makes me smile at least twice a day. It seems that Josh will leave soon also. I don't know how I feel about that either. I suppose I just feel that distinct impression that "it's time". I'm the last one to be drafted into the real world. Perhaps its because I'm flat-footed. Goodnight.

PS) only Josh, Nate and Julie have access to this...as a point of interest.

Valentine's Day

And my plans? I was going to go out to eat with a couple of friends and a couple of their friends. I was to meet them at the gym where they would be working out at 6:30p. I sat in my car reading for a while and then glanced up and saw the girl inside the gym and I felt a sudden flash of anger in my gut. To this moment, I am lost as to what that was or what it meant. All I know is that the flash devoured every desire I had to engage in conversation or expend my energy in socializing tonight. So I picked up my phone and left a message on her cell phone, something about having to get up so early and just wanting to head home and go to bed. Partly true, as it was, the perfect truth was that I was simply no longer in the mood. Rather than Thai I drove through Chik-Fil-A. I was lost somewhere in thought when I heard the boy at the window say, "Hey, aren't you going to smile? Aincha' happy?". I just kinda looked at him and gave him some semblance of a smile and realized that the muscles in my face weren't really willing. But then I thought to myself, "He said 'aincha'...that kinda makes me happy". As I drove down the road leading to my house, contemplating that rush of venom earlier, I saw 2 dark figures dressed in black walking down the road in the dark. I amused myself by imagining that they were Mormon missionaries and hearing them say some chincy thing that would be on a Christian tract about God and Valentine's Day...I am sorry to say that this also made me laugh. But now I am safe at home, away from the terrors of the world and trivial encounters that amount to no more than a spit in the sea. Regardless of what you think, I am not cynical tonight...just a bit too contemplative for my own good.

I feel very good today....God treated me like as though I were the most virtuous woman today - it lifted my spirit. I know what I really am, but He seems not to notice. I suppose perhaps it is He who knows what I really am...and in my ignorance I prefer to be whipped everyday for it. Anyway...enough for tonight.

Compunction

1Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness;
According to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, And my sin is ever before me.
Against You, You only, I have sinned and done what is evil in Your sight,
So that You are justified when You speak and blameless when You judge.

...Hide They face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from They presence,
And do not take Thy Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of Thy salvation,
And sustain me with a willing spirit.
Then I will teach transgressors Thy ways and sinners will be converted to Thee.

...The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
A broken and a contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise.

Psalm 51

"It takes the grace of God to act rightly in a world that is inhospitable to righteousness and is contrary to God, so that every moral choice, act, and decision that is virtuous requires the grace of God... Someone likened this to the development of muscle. Muscle grows in response to the tension of opposition. There is a growth of something visible by meeting that which opposes it. So we grow moral muscle by exercising something in the face of that which opposes it"-Art Katz 'Virtue, Power, Healing'-

memma and jules 

Human Suffering and Me

What a selfish, pampered people we are. There are such gross atrocities in this world, and we have not even the capacity for compassion or sympathy. There is no one person or government to blame - we have simply been surfeited and desensitized by an inordinate fascination with ourseves. And again, this not being the result of one decision necessarily, but that inclination that binds us from the moment we enter this world. Last night I watched Hotel Rwanda. It brought back so many thoughts and feelings from my time in Africa. I feel so useless and inadequate - not to mention just pitiful from all my incessant contemplation of my own sanctification! Even in Africa I was overwhelmed by my own selfishness -and moreso by the fact that I couldn't do anything about it. I was busy realising myself how innocuous my understanding of the Cross was. I was in no way fit to minister the gospel to anyone - it had not finished being administered to me!! I had no context in my knowledge of God for suffering. It is no wonder, in a society where our sufferings are minimal and buffered and so easily assuaged by "things". So, I ask, what is to be done? I can not volunteer myself - there is no self-election with God - - I must accept the perfect work He is doing in me now - obeying fully what He has chosen for me today. . . and trust that the Cross will work a perfect death in me and will make me able to be broken bread and poured out wine for others. It can not be for ideals of philanthropic romanticism - but pure obedience and godly sympathy which has the authority and power to transform situations and people. May we know what it is to share in the sufferings of Christ - realizing the death of the old man that serves the lusts of the flesh and demands over-indulgence. And may we know the true, unsullied love of Jesus for every man.

Divine Murmer vs. Human Hubbub

I can't seem to find the middle ground. My spirit either soars or buries its head in the ground. Today it is eating daisies stem first. I feel disconnected - like I'm not getting any traction- - in prayer, in reading, in relationships, etc. I wish things would come to a temporary halt so I can just get caught up...but I feel like life is dragging me slowly behind - days wasted. When I over-analyze, I feel frustrated...but when I don't think about it....I feel dead! I feel silly for rambling like this on an online journal - but perhaps it will assist me in thinking these things out.

Tonight I had dinner with my parents, Dr. Hector and his wife and his nurse and her husband and 4yr old son. It was rather enjoyable, and I spent most of my time making obsene faces at the 4yr old (who had the makings of a mullet) to which he would burst into constipated laughter. Speaking of constipate, I have a new word for you : Constuprate - which means to ravish or debauch. I stumbled upon it while I was checking my spelling of "constipate". Anyway, while I was at the restaurant, I saw the young gentleman (if there is anything gentle about him I do not know as of yet) to whom I referred to as vitriolic or caustic or something in a previous entry. He brought our food to us and tried not to make eye contact with me. I suddenly remembered how after asking, "Has anyone ever told you before that you aren't a very nice person" and my apologies he said very curtly, "I don't care, I'll probably never see you again". It occured to me that this was my third time since that encounter to see him this week. I wanted to tell him, but at the same time I wasn't quite ready to confirm his conjecture of my cruelty (Did you notice my triple alliteration?! Yesssssss)

I'm going to end this, but just food for thought. If you are ever at a restaurant deliberating over whether to be gluttonous or wasteful, just get a doggy-bag.

Leavin' again

Well, Nathan left this afternoon. To be honest, it just didn't feel real. We hugged and then both being very aware of the surreality (?) of it all just offered a casual, "Well, bye..." Nathan was gone for a week getting his job and apartment settled and then flew back for one day and loaded his things into a UHAUL and left again. He said it best in an email he wrote to Julie and I:

"It's strange being back in Tyler one last time before I move for good (and for only about 20 hours, at that). I feel like I'm already living in Albuquerque. It's like that weird awkwardness when you see someone at the grocery store that you haven't seen in a long time and you catch up and then say goodbye - and then you see them again two minutes later on the next isle - do you say hi again or just nervously laugh and hope you don't see them again because you already have that sense of closure that you don't want to have to mess up again?"

Tonight I cooked some good "nershin" soup with Josh for my parents. Not that details are important...but it was Borscht, a Russian beet soup that I learned from my Russian friend, Katya in South Africa. Pretty good. My body doesn't feel too great...but I am finally in bed. I have to get up fairly early to take my grandmother to another doctor appointment. I'm looking forward to next week when she has her knee replacement surgery. I will be with my grandpa for about 2 weeks making sure he eats and exercises! He's a bit crazy and she's deaf...

Well...I hate to keep writing nonsense...enough for tonight.

The Parents

Last night, I had a lengthy discussion with my parents about alcohol. For some reason, my mother is more dogmatic about this one subject than any other. She says that alcohol and Jesus absolutely do not go together - that in other countries it is perhaps acceptable, but in our country it is not a cultural thing. Her arguments are always poor (bless her heart : ) but I did understand the point she was making - even her preemptive strike on Jesus' turning the water into wine. I used to be just as dogmatic as she - and how absurd it seems to me now! In Romans yesterday I was struck again by Paul's response to all these things "whatever is not of faith is sin". Whatever we eat or drink, we must be able to do so with full confidence before God and a clean conscience. But we made a few light-hearted jokes about whether Jesus would be drinking actual wine anew with us in the kingdom of heaven. Later on I came home and they were watching a movie with much sexual content (the equivalent sword to my heart) and I thought to myself, "Jesus may very well drink wine at the wedding feast....but we sure as heck won't be watching that movie"... oh how clever I am .... and how quick to judge! Enough for today.

A New Day

Man, yesterday was terrible. I don't know what it was, but I haven't felt so low in a very long time. I don't have much to say about it. Today has been much better thusfar. The difference? I don't really know. But my advice: Ecclesiastes was not written to be read on days like those. You should read it when you are very happy and can afford to be disheartened a bit.

So, last night around 8pm, I decided to take Les Miserables up to Starbucks and read alone for a while - to finally get out of the house and breathe some different air. Oh, it was fine - but the two guys next to me were raging about some local missionary's comment about the Tsunami being a judgement from God...or possibly so that the countries would be opened for missionaries (he didn't seem to know exactly what had been said...). I couldn't help but look on in astonishment at how arrogantly and confidently one can speak (and with such profuse profanity) of what they know nothing of. His mordant cynicism labored against him as he spoke and I felt strange pity for him. I noted the way he stared at the pretty girls...in a way that made me shiver...dark soul.

About 30mins later, the scene around me changed - the 2 guys left and I enjoyed a moment alone in the corner before slowly but surely the self-acclaimed "outcasts" surrounded me. They actually humored me a bit. I admit that at this point, I was averaging a paragraph per hour in my book which had been replaced by the live poetry of the insecure disenchantment of youth. What a sight they were - tattood and peirced, "brusque" and crude - They were slow to laugh at the jokes made of matters unknown to them. It seems that something in them was afraid to write Jesus off to silly superstition quite yet. They didn't have the same air of depravity that the first guy did...and I almost enjoyed the distraction.

With the Madman

God granted me a very significant victory last night, despite all my weakness - I'm tired of failing time and time again. I want to be truly spiritual and not always succomb to the flesh. Afterward, I tossed and turned restlessly all night - - I don't know if it was something in the air or what, but my dog was also restless and yelping in his sleep. But this morning was so sweet to wake up knowing that my God was victorious! In light of these things, the Psalm for today and Oswald Chambers said some meaningful things. May the Son be glorified in me.

"I will extol Thee, O LORD, for
Thou has lifted me up,
And hast not let my enemies
rejoice over me.
O LORD my God,
I cried to Thee for help, and
Thou didst heal me.
O LORD, Thou hast brought
up my soul from
Sheol;
Thou hast kept me alive,
that I should not go down
to the pit." Psalm 30:1-3

"To follow Jesus Christ today is to follow a madman according to the ideals of present day civilization. We have made a thousand and one necessities until our system of civilized life is as cast-iron, and then we apologize to the Lord for not following Him. "God can never mean that I have to follow Him at the cost of all I have?" But He does mean it. Instantly the clash is between our civilization and the call of Jesus Christ. Read the Sermon on the Mount - - "Seek first the kingdom of God" -- and apply it to modern life and you will find its statements are either those of a madman or of God Incarnate." (O. Chambers, 'Still Higher For His Highest')

mmmm....scones

Outside it is still soggy and cold and the skies are still gray...but me? No more. Yesterday I left a book I'm engrossed in at my grandparents' house and last night finally picked up The Spiritual Man again that I had put down quite a while ago - waiting for my experience to catch up to what I am reading. Well, as it always happens with this book, for several days I had a tugging desire to read it. So, last night despite my spiritually lackluster and dismal state - I began reading it...and it brought such clarity. And this morning I woke up to my puppy licking my face all over - sweet thing. I suppose I'll clean the house a bit today and continue taking advantage of the emptiness of it to spend time alone. I'm looking foward to tomorrow morning - Nathan will be leaving for Albequerque, so a few believing friends are coming over for communion and prayer. I think I'll pick up some ingredients and making some scones and such. mmmm....

What?

This day was so dreary...the weather, my insides, all blah. I don't feel like doing all the things I wish I felt like doing. I want to read and pray...but my spirit feels so limp - like not a single prayer would alight. I'm a selfish miserable wretch -acutely aware of my weakness today - and how desparate we are to draw from that newness of Life in Jesus at every moment. How quickly our own good intentions suck our natural energy and life - oh how I need to learn to draw from that Other Source at all times. Hope a good cup of hot tea and some time alone with Jesus will cure my cold soul. I miss Julie : (

Great Is Thy Faithfuless

Well, I applied for a job yesterday as a nurse's aid at Garden Estates, which used to be Grand Court - a retirement community that I worked at about 3 years ago. They remembered me and were very excited and it looked very promising that I would be offered a job, but when I told my dad he was a bit disappointed because he doesn't want me to work right now. He really wants me to devote my time and energy to caring for my grandparents which is a load off of my mother as well. I wouldn't really feel very good about getting a job for 3 months knowing I would be leaving in May for Lebanon and that for 2 weeks in between I would be caring for my grandmother after her knee surgery. So I think I will turn the job down. Perhaps another time.

God has given me great peace about life right now through something my sweet sister said when I spent the night in Dallas a few days ago. What she said was so simple - yet suddenly my mind full of twisted thoughts was flooded with light and understanding of the situation. I was really encouraged to hear such godly wisdom come from her - revealed a lot of understanding on the eternal perspective of this Life as we live it before God.

The peace of Christ is to reign in our hearts...where there is no peace, we do not go...we don't think about it - we don't allow our minds to play with the future and this possibility or that - but to live securely in the Now and the peace alotted in this day, this moment and be wholly confident in Him not the circumstance. Then when Tomorrow comes, we recognize that mercy that is new every morning. Indeed, Great is Thy faithfulness.

My Utmost

God granted me great peace in today's selection in "My Utmost For His Highest". What a reminder to keep my eyes on the author and finisher of my faith...and not all the daily stresses and questions of life that are pressing in on me from every direction.

"Look unto Me, and be ye saved." Isaiah 45:22
.... Narrow all your interests until the attitude of mind and heart and body is concentration on Jesus Christ. "Look unto Me."
Many of us have a mental conception of what a Christian should be, and the lives of the saints become a hindrance to our concentration on God. There is no salvation in this way, it is not simple enough. "Look unto Me" and - not "you will be saved," but "you are saved." The very thing we look for, we shall find if we will concentrate on Him. We get preoccupied and sulky with God, while all the time He is saying - "Look up and be saved." The difficulties and trials - the casting about in our minds as to what we shall do this summer, or to-morrow, all vanish when we look to God.
Rouse yourself up and look to God. Build your hope on Him. No matter if there are a hundred and one things that press, resolutely exclude them all and look to Him. "Look unto Me," and salvation is, the moment you look.

-Oswald Chambers - My Utmost For His Highest - Jan.22

I had a good peaceful day with Nathan as he accompanied me on my shopping for my grandparents and other miscellanious errands (which ended up taking 5 hours!). Now my aunt, uncle and 3 cousins are here for a couple days on their way back home to Mexico.

Movement and Direction

I know I could get into a train or a car and I will eventually get somewhere whether I pay close attention to where the vehicle is going or make sure we take all the right exits or not. I don't even have to know where I am going or when I'll arrive...I will eventually get there at some point. I know perfectly well that I could go to sleep because no amount of concentration or attention paid or not paid on my part will change a thing. Yet there I am, face pressed against the window staring at all the signs trying to interpret their meaning and wondering if we'll get to wherever on time!

Or, renting a movie. I mostly do this when I want to relax...just shut my brain off and stare at the glowing box. Now, if the plot gets intricate and complex I lose complete interest - but I can not take my eyes off the screen. Once again, I know very well that I could get up and go to the bathroom or go to sleep and miss 30 minutes of the movie and understand what is going on just as well. But no, I watch carefully - following from scene to scene to see what will finally happen.

Thus is Life. It goes on and we move whether we know what direction we are going or not. Understanding: That organ of our being that helps us to interpret Life - sometimes we are alotted it, sometimes we are not. Peace...ah peace - knowing that someone else is driving and has it all marked out and knows exactly where we're going. But regardless, we have to make decisions - we have to keep going from day to day. Tomorrow happens to us...but it always does. We can be frantic and confused and frustrated and defeated and can watch and guess...but we aren't driving. We will eventually get there - and whether we understand the plot or not...it does come to a point, an end, a defining place.

The issue is Trust - Faith: an organ of true sight - do I actually 'see'? Am I abandoned to Him? Then let it be.

This Weekend

Life is strange. I don't know how to interpret my circumstances at all right now. I don't even know what I am going to do from day to day - and yet I do have peace in the immensity of it all...not the glib kind of peace, but that deep abiding rest that lets me know that I am doing it right even though everyone seems to be doing laps around me. Thought I don't know what is going on, I do know the one who is ordering it all for me. My 2 weeks in Albequerque were very theraputic and I had pretty much the best time ever - knowing again the feeling of childhood carefreeness and not worrying about what I should be or how I ought to be or pray or live or think (!!!!!!) But that sense of liberty and boldness before God. I have been back in Tyler for about 3 days now and I am again inundated with all the questions of life. Julie just arrived here a few hours ago and it is the greatest joy to see her face again. We will leave for Dallas tomorrow morning and stay with my sister tomorrow night and drop her off at the airport Friday morning to go back to Germany until March. I will soon begin looking for a job to make money for my trip for Lebanon coming up in May. What is God doing? Somewhere does all this mess make sense? Make sense of me, Lord....

The Spiritual Man

"... a spiritual man is one who belongs to the spirit: the whole man is governed by the inner man: all the organs of his being are subject completely to it. His spirit is what stamps his life as unique - everything proceeds from his spirit, while he himself renders absolute allegiance to it. No word does he speak nor act does he perform according to himself; rather does he deny his natural power each time in order to draw power from the spirit. In a word, a spiritual man lives by the spirit." (Watchman Nee - The Spiritual Man Vol. II p34)

Where it all begins

Well, I have officially begun an online journal. I actually don't really know how this works quite yet. I am extremely exhausted....Rajeh has been barking at me since 6am. Anyway...let's see if how well I do with this thing.